These last couple of months have been hard. Hard and overwhelming. I have had a really difficult time balancing work commitments, mom commitments, wife commitments and family commitments. I feel like there are never enough moments in the day. I feel like I am never good enough for anyone. There is always more work I should be doing at night, more snuggles I could be giving Lila, more educational games I could be playing, more meals I could be making, more laundry and dishes to do, more friends to have coffee with, more intentional conversations and sharing I could be doing with Brian, and the list goes on. I lay my head down at night and my head races with all of the things I should have done today and all the things I will not have time for tomorrow.
On top of the normal stress of a working mom, 2 parent working household, the other areas of my life have been spinning on their own. My parents have finally sold their house after a year on the market and I feel guilty that I am not able to help them pack more and look for a new home. Another family member has been going through ongoing medical testing and the possible diagnosis keep me on edge every time the phone rings. So many tests, yet always inconclusive results. It just adds another layer of uncertainty on top of everything else.
And then in the past few weeks, I have started to go through some health problems of my own stemming from some cysts. Now I am constantly worried about how much pain I am going to be in every day. I am done. Washed out and at my brink.
I have decided to start seeing a counselor which is a big step for me. Because I love to be able to handle my life. I love to be in charge and spread all my options around me like security blankets. But I am no longer in control. And I need to get over it.
I just needed to unload and let my feelings wash out on the page. If I am not around as much, know that I am working on taking deep breaths. Working on stopping the fear and uncertainty from creeping up. Holding Lila in my arms at night and snuggling on the couch with Brian. Because sometimes, you just need a big snuggle.
Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall anouther moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me
~"Gravity" by Sara Bareilles