So this is what my last week has looked like:
Monday - woke up at 6am, nursed Lila, put her back to bed, got up and ready for work, fixed Lila's bottles, had breakfast, got my mom all set up around the house, went to my NEW JOB, worked, pumped in a tiny closet, worked, pumped in a tiny closet, worked, pumped in a tiny closet, came home, held Lila and cried for 45 minutes, shoveled food down, nursed Lila and gave her a bath, crashed into bed.
And that my friends was just Monday. Basically every day went like that, except the crying got less. I LOVE my new job. It is in such a positive non-profit that helps a lot of families. I get to help plan amazing special fundraising events. And yesterday, I spent about 15 minutes in the middle of the day playing lego guns with a bunch of kids. Such a perfect job for me.
But this adjustment is a lot harder than I thought. How do I just leave my baby all day long with someone else? I knew it would be hard, but I didn't think it would be this hard. I just think about her little feet and get all teary eyed. There is this unexplainable connection that exists between her and I. I physically ache when I am away from her. And seeing her eyes light up when I walk back in the house is the best feeling ever, but it makes me wonder if she notices that I am missing from her day.
I know it will get easier with time. I know God will give me strength as I stumble through this next stage of parenting. One thing that has really helped is getting picture texts of her from my mom throughout the day. Just doing a little event planning and a picture of Lila with Lola the sheep pops up in my email (could we possibly make the toy names any more confusing??)
And then I am finishing up a meeting and I get to see my little girl enjoying the pool.
I keep reminding myself that there is grace in parenting. There is grace for the stack of dirty dishes in my sink. There is grace for my sweet hubby not having any clean undershirts today. There is grace for my adjustment to being at work and having a little cry in the bathroom because I just want to smell Lila's hair right at the moment. There is grace for worrying that Lila will miss me during the day at some point. There is grace in just trying my best to be a good mom.
The best conversations with mothers
always take place in silence,
when only the heart speaks.