has anyone seen my dentures?

Some days I feel old. Like when I try to jump out of bed instead of roll. Or when I fall asleep on the couch before 9pm (all time record of 3 nights in a row this week). Or when I keep track of how much fiber I have consumed in a day. But never do I feel more like a crotchety old woman than when I listen to the radio. What the heck is up with all these ridiculous songs by these ridiculous teenagers who cannot sing? 

One artist I cannot even begin to understand is Ke$ha. Someone please explain to me why she has a dollar sign as an actual letter of her name? Or why it sounds like she has the hiccups when she is singing? A new song from Ke$ha (it is ridiculous to even type) came on the radio this week and I almost crashed my car because my mouth was hanging open in shock while stared at the radio. Allow me to share these absurd lyrics...

O when you get back my pop quiz
What will you think when you read this?  

Mr. Watson I Want To Get With You
I Won't Tell A Soul What We're Gonna Do
Want To Get My Hands In Your Khaki Pants
Teacher, Teacher, what cha' gonna do?
'Cause I am coming on to you 

~"Mr. Watson" by Ke$ha

Basically Ke$ha makes me turn into an old lady staring down my reading glasses and waving my cane at all the young'uns and their bad influence on the next generation. Little girls think she is cool with her overuse of sparkly makeup and it makes me want to vomit. And lock Lila in the house with Psalty playing on repeat all day. 

So then J Lo come on the radio next. And please, Jennifer Lopez? You are and will always be Jenny From the Block. Apparently Jennifer is having a mid life crisis. Because her new song is supposed to be the "party anthem of the summer."  

Its getting ill it’s getting sick on the floor
We never quit, we never rest on the floor
If I ain’t wrong we’ll probably die on the floor

Dance the night away, Live your life, and stay young on the floor
Dance the night way, Grab somebody drink a little more

~"On the Floor" by Jennifer Lopez 

I think the fact that she uses the phrase, "It's getting ill on the floor" should really point out that it might be time to leave the dance jams to those that don't need a touch up on the roots every four weeks. And seriously? She has twin toddlers. I am pretty sure she has never even seen a dance floor in the last two years. Her evening drinks probably come out of a sippy cup. J Lo, sweetie we love you and your bodacious behind but throw on some yoga pants, grab a half glass of chardonnay and call it a night with a Lifetime Made for TV movie.

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, 

I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

~Bill Cosby