morning snuggles

One morning it was over. I had obsessed and worried while I was pregnant. Taken one very akward class at the hospital with Brian right before Lila was born. Spent hours and hours trying to make it through the hard moments during those first few months. And just like that, it was over. 

I don't even remember much about that last morning of nursing Lila. Most mornings I was half asleep when I picked her up out of her crib and pulled her into bed with us. Once I went back to work full time the feedings had slowed down throughout the day. And then one night, there wasn't enough milk and we were down to one feeding in the morning.

I tried so hard to cherish those last few weeks. Tried to remember the way she would open her eyes and peek at me. The way she would pull on my shirt when she would get bored. Soaking up every moment of her babyness. We slowly had to add more formula at the end of every morning feeding since she was not getting enough to eat. And then one morning, she skipped straight to the bottle.

I am so blessed I was able to nurse exclusively for over five months. I am so blessed for all those hours holding my baby close. But I did not know it would be this hard to let go. To let go of all of those moments when Lila's favorite thing to do was snuggle and be held close. She is so full of energy now, always on the go and wanting to explore her world. But in my mind, she will always be that little snugly baby in my arms.

No one could give her such soothing and sensible consolation

as this little three-month-old creature when he lay at her breast

and she felt the movement of his lips and the snuffling of his tiny nose.

~Leo Tolstoy