Friday, October 28, 2011

absent

I have been absent from this blog for about 2 weeks now. Well, who am I kidding. I have been absent for a lot longer. If blog posts have seemed like fluff, that is because they are. Fluff on a page to make me feel normal when I am everything but normal. My life is fluff and my heart is absent. 

This season has overwhelmed me with its never ending waves of stress. I want to be fair to the people in my life and not disclose too much because some of the waves are their own to ride. But I am tired from keeping a smile on my face and feeling like our life is not one of peace right now. Brian left his job of six years for a new opportunity early this summer, one I completely supported him in. I was so proud of him taking a risk that could lead him on a new path in his career. For 2 months, he intensely studied for a national exam. During that time, I was constantly trying to juggle an extremely busy job, a toddler, a house, and supporting my hardworking husband as he was working around the clock. After two months, he took the exam and did not pass, causing him to be let go from the program. He was devastated and I was too, as we felt God had led him to this opportunity and he had worked so hard to study all of this information.

The last 2 months since he was let go has been an overwhelming parade of crisis after crisis, never so much that we could not stay afloat but just enough to feel like we were barely able to paddle above the waves. Lila had a burn accident with hot coffee and a severe virus with high spiking fevers, multiple car problems, unexpected medical bills, extended family health problems, daycare juggling and huge work issues for me. 

Through all of it, I have tried to "be still" and keep going back to the ways God is providing for us. We have managed to stay okay financially. I still have my job and can provide us health care. I have an amazing husband who spends his free time organizing kitchen cabinets, taking care of our house and caring for Lila, all while looking for a new job. Lila is safe and growing into a smart, beautiful little girl. And we have a wonderful family that supports us. 

But I am tired. Tired of this roller coaster. Tired of waking up every morning and already feeling defeated. I am ready for God to move us past this season of unrest and the unknown. I want to be able to enjoy the blessings in our lives without feeling like it is the high before the crashes that keeps coming. And I am tired of fluffing. Jesus, please take my absent heart and make it new again. 

How many times have I turned away
The number is the same as the sand on the shore
But every time You've taken me back
And now I pray You do it once more.

Please take from me my life when I don't have the strength to give it away to You
Please take from me my life when I don't have the strength to give it away to You Jesus

How many times have I turned away
The number is the same as the stars in the sky
But every time You've taken me back
And now I pray You do it tonight.
~"Take My Life" by Third Day

3 comments:

Heather said...

I am sorry that you are going through a difficult time right now. I will pray for you. Thank you for sharing with us.

Sues said...

I love your honesty. I know I commented 2 months ago that we went through the same type of disappointment over & over through 5 rollercoaster years. I hate that you have to experience this, but know that you're not alone. I thought I had fluffed & fake smiled (in b/t bedroom closet breakdowns) so much that I wouldn't be able to truly feel it when God *DID* deliver us...but He did, and I am proof that He will reward your faith through this junk BIG TIME. In the meantime, vent away. It doesn't dishonor God to share your burdens with caring, fellow Christians who can pray for you through it.

Abbi said...

You are not alone. My life is full of fake fluff. It's exhausting to keep on keepin' on. Thank you for being real and authentic. I'll continue praying for your family.