chicago times

Finally settled back in from our long trip to Chicago, last week was a whirlwind. Changes at work that came about while I was gone made for some long work days, Lila needed lots of snuggles after missing us and we tried to adjust to my lack of lifting and carrying while we wait for our IVF outcome news. Since I am not able to lift over five pounds and Lila now obviously weighs more than my testing weight of a gallon of milk, that creates some challenges. We had to switch her to a big girl bed, set up a ladder in and out of the car and Lila had a hard time not being carried around. 

 

Regardless of the challenges the last week has held, it was a fabulous trip to Chicago. We loved staying with my cousin Jenny and her husband. The last time we saw them was Cousins Weekend in Asheville last year so it was great to catch up and hang out. We had lots of delicious food, did some fabulous shopping and enjoyed the nice cool Chicago weather. Lots of relaxing as we led up to Saturday's embryo transfer which was just what I needed. 

 

The transfer went amazingly well and we felt so much peace that day. The little ones floated into their nice warm bed where we hope they will stay put. We have our test on Tuesday so pray for God to continue to knit them together and help them grow, in Jesus name!

his will be done

Some days I envy those mothers who were given the gift of pregnancy easily. Other days, I marvel at the medicine and science God created that allows me the same gift. Some days, I cry while I put away the syringe, not at the fleeting pain of the injection, but at the deep love I have for my children...the one in my arms, the ones waiting to be placed in my body, and the two already in God's arms in Heaven. 

I know that my struggle to conceive has allowed me to speak into the lives of so many women, hurting from their own empty arms. That Lila's conception, pregnancy and birth is a testimony to the ways God answers prayers. But some days, I wish I could trade all of the good that has come from years of those medicines for two quick little lines on a test. 

It's hard to think we are starting this all over again. With Lila's IVF, we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into and we would have done anything for a child. But I know that God is not done with our family. Lila is meant to be a big sister. I am meant to hold more babies against my body and nurse them through the night. Brian is meant to swaddle a little one and gently rock them to sleep. 

Some days I have to remind myself why I suffer through it all. And other days, none of the shots or patches or hormone swings or early mornings sitting in a doctor's office under a paper sheet or silly crying over a spilled dog bowl of water even matters. Because this week, I will get on a plane to Chicago and go meet my babies, nestled in their little tubes, frozen and fast asleep. And God will give them life in my body in the miraculous way that only He can do. So this Saturday, pray for my babies. Pray that God gives Brian and I strength of body and mind. And pray that His will be done for our family.

mom guilt

A couple of weeks, I had a doctor's appointment in the middle of the day, so I hired a babysitter for Miss Lila Bean. Not knowing how long it would take and knowing I needed to run by my office to pick up some papers, I scheduled the sitter for 3 hours. Luckily for me the doctors appointment was short and sweet and I was not detained into the black hole known as the "office drop in" for very long. 

After running by the pharmacy, I was left with a decision. Come home an hour early and feel bad for booking the babysitter longer so I would still probably pay her the full 3 hour amount? Or take advantage of the blessed free time with nowhere to be? 

I choose me time. Sitting on the patio of a little cafe, drinking a cold Diet Coke, reading a book, and eating a delicious salad. By myself. With no one banging a fork on a table or throwing a milk cup on the ground. No need for conversation, only smiles at people giving me odd looks for flying solo during lunch. I pushed aside the twinges of guilt that I should be taking advantage of this gorgeous day by playing at the park with Lila. Or getting in a few extra hours of cleaning or work. Instead, I sat there for a full 45 minutes, basking in the sun, and just being me. 

camping in style

Last Saturday was the perfect day for a birthday party. Blue skies, nice breeze, a yard full of colorful quilts and tents, and all of Lila's favorite people in one place. There is something so special about birthdays, that God allows us to celebrate and remember how precious life is every 365 days. As Lila gets older, I want to always install a sense of celebrating life's moments with her and letting her feel how special she is to all of us.

Many thanks to my parents for the use of their gorgeous backyard, my sister Auntie KK for all her creative touches and styling expertise, and to Brian's family for helping us prep all weekend. Throwing cute camping themed birthday parties takes a lot of work!

We celebrated with snacks and S'more Cupcakes and presents. Lots and lots of presents.

We made camp crafts, we swung on the play set till our hearts were content. 

 We had our cake and ate it too. 

 We snuggled with friends and rocked babies. And it was a good day to be two.

pimp my slide

This evening park playtime with Mimi and Pumba brought to you by daylight savings time. And yes, Lila has now named her grandpa "Pumba." As in Simba's gassy warthog friend on the Lion King. No relation. Nor similarities for that matter. 

looking good

Since we so very rarely dress up and there is never photographic evidence of it, I felt very proud of myself for remembering the camera this weekend. We went to a good family friend's wedding and GASP, all of the kids, spouses and parents in my family were present. And looking fine I might add. 12 pounds down and one dress size, what what!

 What's your favorite dress up moment with your spouse? How often do you get all gussied up and go out on the town minus the little ones?

two years of love

I walked into Lila's room at 12:38am on Saturday morning and stared at her sleeping body, wrapped around her Grinch, arms splayed off to the sides. I remembered that last frantic hour two years ago...finally getting my epidural at 7cm, my water breaking across the room, my nurse calling the NICU team because of the telltale green meconium, 20 people flooding through the door, Brian looking at me with a wide eyed look of sheer excitement. And then the pushing, the exhaustion, the renewed energy, and finally the cry. As she was whisked away to the corner and the NICU team, I asked over and over, "Is she okay? How is she?" Seeing Brian wipe away his tears as he hovered over the bassinet. And finally, too long, she was place in my arms. Staring into my eyes as I cuddled her as close as possible. So long we had waited to see her face, 2 years of long sleepless nights, 10 months of an uncomfortable and tumultuous pregnancy. 

We celebrated her on Saturday, not just the beautiful two year old she has become but the success of making it to this moment. Where our little girl has taken over our life in a way I could never have imagined. As we chowed down on pancakes and maple syrup "dip", my heart was full.