Saturday, February 26, 2011

letting go

How do you know when you are ready? Is it when you feel God's stirring as you hold a newborn little one? Or when you carry your sleeping toddler up the stairs, remember that sweet bundle she used to be? Or looking at her adorable face and knowing that your family is not yet complete.
This weekend we cleaned up a lot around the house. Believe me when I tell you that it needed it badly. As I wiped down the outside of the fridge, I opened it up and stared at the bag. The bag of fertility meds that has been sitting in my fridge since June 2009 when we did Lila's IVF. I haven't allowed myself to move them. For some reason, they represent hope and God's promise that led us to Chicago for the IVF treatment. They represent hope that there might be more babies one day. Mind you, not with those meds since they have long expired. But yet I still have not been able to throw them out.

I felt God's nudge, "It's okay. You can do it." I reached in the fridge and pulled them out, walking towards the trash can. So many memories and so much pain still in my heart from those sad, painful two years. Those of us who have gone through infertility know that it is never gone, despite the overwhelming joy of healthy children. I will always wear it on my heart, a badge of sacrifice and confusion and hurt.
There is no easy conversation about when it is time again. For us it will never be a carefree decision. There will be many more shots to come. Many more tiring mornings of sitting on the paper covered table for a quick before work ultrasound. Many more tears. How do I know when we are ready as a family to enter that world again? Do I have what it takes to do it again?

I know in my heart I am not there yet. But I am starting to see God opening that door in our hearts, allowing us to see a sliver of his promise in the light. I am not sure how to handle the blog when that time comes. Part of me wants to share our journey, believing so firmly in the power of prayer from both friends and strangers. Part of me is unsure if I can bear the public exposure of my emotions, always so raw in those moments. For now, I will sit holding my miracle, knowing I was strong enough to let that bag go.

How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles, many the miles
How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles, but send me the miles
And I'll be happy to follow you
~"Many The Miles" by Sara Bareilles


Casey Martinez said...

this was a really beautiful and real post Lindsay. I love it when people share their hearts no matter what they are going through. I am not as good at that as I would like to be but, it encourages me when others do it..even in the blog world. I can only imagine all that you went through and the feelings you have as you face it again. I will be praying for you in this season!

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