feeling the love

It is an amazing feeling to feel loved and appreciated by your family. I love when I feel that way every day. When Lila gives me a super tight squeeze around the neck. When she automatically takes her cup and plate to the sink after snack and I know she is actually getting the things I try to teach her. When Brian stands at the counter after dinner and cleans up all of the dishes so I can sit down after a long day. When he reaches over and grabs my hand while driving for no reason. 

But I also love breakfast in bed. And gifts. And adorable cards. What can I say, I am a little selfish sometimes :-) Brian knows just how to set up a fabulous day...from my favorite breakfast from Foster's Market and a sweet card from he and Lila. And then, the gifts! I got a new travel toiletry case in a cute lime green Vera Bradley design, which he kindly mentioned means that I can now stop using his army green boy case when I travel. And some fabulous pottery including a new mug, fluted edge serving bowl and a small cereal bowl. Made all the more impressive since he took Lila with him to pick it out. At a pottery store. With breakable objects. He is so very brave.

This weekend was jammed packed, as my brother-in-law was graduating from Duke with his MBA and his whole family was in town visiting. Doesn't he look so happy to be done with school?

And the best, most exciting moment of the weekend was Lila getting to announce that she is going to be a cousin this fall! My sister and Peter have a little baby on the way and we could not be more thrilled for them! She took such great care of me when I was pregnant, flying back and forth from Florida and buying Lila an entire wardrobe of clothes. Now it's my turn to spoil my little niece or nephew!

standing beside Diana

Some of you might have heard about Diana and her twin boys. Some of you might have followed the horrible tragedy as it played out on Twitter. Some of you might have read the many, many post of love and encouragement from Beth Anne, Morgan, Kit, Katherine. 

And some of you might be in the dark right now. Diana, a beautiful fellow blogger and Army wife/mom, was pregnant with identical twin boys when her water broke at 18.5 weeks. She was sent to the hospital, only to be told there was no hope and she had to induce labor to deliver the babies, even though they were still alive and would not be able to survive outside of her body at this age Diana fought back, choosing to stay in the hospital on bed rest and do whatever was possible to keep her babies inside as long as possible. She fought a long, hard fight with lots of doctors telling her she was wrong. But she didn't do it for them or for us; she did it for her boys. Sadly, she delivered the boys one week later at 19.5 weeks. They both passed away within hours. 

It was like a horrible crash I could not look away from. I checked her Twitter feed hourly. I prayed and cried for her, this woman I have never met. And I wept when she lost her two boys to heaven. Because I know. I remember my own pain. And I know how hard it is to stand up and grieve when the world feels like it is closing in and no one understands. 

I still remember that morning on August 4, 2009 when I was told that one of our twins had passed away in utero. I remember sitting in that paper gown not able to breathe and the looks that passed between the nurses. I remember them telling me it was going to be okay because the other baby I was carrying, my sweet Lila, looked fine. I threw away the clothes I wore to my doctor's office that day because I could not bare to look at them. I remember wondering if I would be able to enjoy any part of Lila's pregnancy and birth because I would still be thinking that it was supposed to be two and now was one. But I did it quietly. With my husband and close family by my side, I grieved. I grieved our little boy we named Wrigley, even though we never knew his real gender. I remember people telling me to be happy because I still had one. As if his life was not just as important to me as hers. I remember the many, many ER and Labor & Delivery visits through the rest of my pregnancy with Lila, as the bleeding from Wrigley's placenta sent me through 7 more weeks of hemorrhages and pre-term labor symptoms at 24 weeks. I too had doctors tell me that meant I was losing the "pregnancy" and there was nothing I could do. 

But I was one of the lucky ones. I did have a baby to hold in my arms at the end of it. A beautiful healthy baby. But not because I fought harder or prayed more or had better doctors. Diana's beautiful blog posts since Preston and Julian passed away are giving voice to the thousands of women that suffer in silence. The women that grieve curled into tight balls of pain and tears in their beds at night. She is saying what all of us wish we had the courage to say at the time, that these children were her children, no matter their gestation, no matter the odds stacked against them. We cry along with you Diana and hope that all of our little ones were waiting to welcome Preston and Julian with open arms and show them around their new playground. 

ec love

I have written of my love for my Erin Condren planner before on this blog. But I do not think I have ever explained how serious it is to my life. If a meeting (babysitter, dinner menu, date night, birthday) is not in my planner, it does not exist. I am actually planning a new series this month with my favorite tips for the busy mom and I have a whole post devoted to this planner. 

Last Chance! $25 for $50 Worth of Personalized Note Cards, Stationery, 

Gift Labels, Wrap, E-Gift Cards and More from Erin Condren

Since I am not yet cool enough to have an iPhone or iPad, I have not been able to take advantage of the adorable personalized covers EC has on their website. But I do have their gift labels, which are super cute. So when I saw this Plum District deal for $25 for $50 at Erin Condren, I grabbed it! Even better, I found a coupon code (good through tomorrow, 4/30) for another 25% off the Plum District deal. So $50 worth of EC for $18.75! Score!

While this deal does not work for the 2012/2013 planners coming out in June, I am cool with that since mine already goes through December of this year. I am thinking about getting these cool calling cards for when it is just too awkward to hand out my work business card at playdates and group events. Aren't these two patterns so cute? 

 call me cards confetti-bright

  call me cards candy lace -grape/vine

The Plum District deal is only good through tomorrow, so get yours fast! And the coupon code for 25% off is "mom25". Yay! Grab yours by tomorrow (Monday night)! 

Disclaimer: I did not get this deal for free and did purchase it myself. However, if 3 of you buy the coupon, I will get mine for free as a referral. And I just love Erin Condren that much.

moments in a day

Lila is snoring over the monitor after finally going to sleep for her nap. I had to lay on the floor of her nursery for 15 minutes to get her to stop bringing books into her bed and go to sleep. When do toddlers go from sweet baby sounds in their sleep to grown up snoring noises? I do not remember the moment when that changes.

Zaxby the dog is sitting looking out the window waiting for a car, any car, to drive by so she can bark at it. 

I need to take a shower and get myself cleaned up for the day, considering I just ate lunch. 

I can't stop thinking about how good a Diet Coke would taste right now, but I have not had my obligatory 3 glasses of water before I am allowed a soft drink. 

Why are sodas called soft drinks? As opposed to a glass of liquor being a hard drink? Why is this thought just occurring to me?

Some days all slow down into minutes. Individual things you cannot stop focusing on in order to get to the real tasks of the day: emails, phone calls, spreadsheets, folding laundry, making grocery lists. Some days seem to fly by with the busyness of life and sometimes my days seemed so consumed with the busyness that I cannot get on to the living.

how to break the funk

One morning last week, I woke up in a funk. As soon as I opened my eyes that morning I was irritable and tired and cranky. It seemed like Lila was refusing to get dressed just to bug me. Brian's simple questions about the day seemed to get under my skin. Our normal morning routine of an hour took about an hour and a half. And the worse part was that the whole time, I knew in the back of my head that this bad day was all on me. Lila wasn't acting like a toddler more than any other day. It was not her fault I forgot to pack her lunch the night before. Brian was not doing anything other than being a sweet husband trying to plan out our day. 

So I took to the private Facebook group set up by mom's bible study. I needed some ideas for how to break the funk! And funny enough, after trying everything on the list, I slowly started to realize it was a good day. Sometime, all it takes is a little work to remind yourself that God created a beautiful day and it is your choice whether or not to enjoy it. And yes, I just pulled a Pollyanna, but you know you want to dance to some loud music drinking a Diet Coke right now :-) Here are the other fabulous ideas shared by my always-right mommy friends:

• Drink a big cup of water
• Drink a big cup of coffee
• Eat protein for breakfast
• Wear a pretty dress or whatever makes you feel good about yourself
• Listen to silly songs (my Pandora was set to the Backstreet Boys station)
• Listen to soft worship music (I am loving my new CD, "Sing Over Me Worship & Lullabies") 
• Go for a walk outside or at least sit in the sun for a few minutes
• Sit quietly by yourself for a while, no music, no phone, no computer, no kids
• Get your favorite lunch or snack as a special treat
• Do something fun with the kids that makes them super happy and full of laughter
• Sing to loud Broadway or musical songs
• Spend ten minutes doing something that makes you feel happy (for me organizing my planner)

What are your other great ways to get out of a nasty mood? I would love to hear your mood changing ideas to add my list for the next times the blues greet me in the morning. 

flipping the pages

I love that Lila has a passion for books. I grew up reading everything I could get my hands on. I was "that kid" that challenged myself to read 100 books the summer between my 2nd and 3rd grade year. Including the entire C.S. Lewis The Chronicles of Narnia series. But those silly toddlers...it is super hard to keep them sitting long enough for a story. We usually just yell out words and made up story lines based on the pictures as she turns the pages at rapid speed. It's like an awesome, fast paced game. For her. 

But recently she has started showing some interest in what is actually on the pages. My favorite is when she holds up the book to present us the page (thank you school for that learned skill). And of course, any book that has her favorite shape in it, The Star!!, is always a good choice. 

one phone call

I knew the call would not be a good one. When you are focused for two weeks on every small sign within your body, you know what is coming. The rush to the lab for the morning blood draw. The waiting on pins and needles all day for the phone to ring. Continuously turning the screen on to assure it did not turn off accidentally. And then the nurse, with her sweet, soft voice, "Honey, I don't have good news. The pregnancy test was negative."

After 11 IUI and IVF procedures over five years, and only one happy phone call when we got pregnant with our daughter, this should not be a shock. I have long ago stopped being angry at those who get pregnant on a whim. Stopped questioning why it is so hard for us. Gave up whining when I have to create detailed medication charts and stick myself with needles every night. But yet, that one simple word, "negative," still gives me chills. 

Our friends ask us how we can stay positive, how we can want to try again and again. Because we do not have any other choice. This is our path in life to our family. Yes, I still have to hole up in my work bathroom and let it all out for five minutes when I see a photo of a friend's new adorable baby. Yes, I give a nod and a big smile when people unwittingly ask us if Lila is our only child, my heart dropping as I think of all of our babies in Heaven waiting to be held in my arms one joyous day. Yes, I have to repeat the same Bible verses over and over to myself, creating a chant about the Lord's blessings and promises, to will myself to keep my head up and moving forward. 

We are not done trying yet. But for today, I pour a big glass of wine, and let myself cry a little for those babies who will not be held in my arms this lifetimes.